(Ryan Buxton) Until you have 'figured all this out'

You’re unhappy, you feel absolutely rotten, corroded, hollowed out behind the eyes and so full of shame you can’t look your best friends and family in the eye because you know that they can see how unhappy you are and they recoil from you, not in disgust but because they can’t stand to see someone they love in pain, especially when they don’t know how to help you, plus, they’ve got their own shit to contend with.  So you put it all in a song, or whatever, a guitar solo, something, you over complicate everything you write and play to try and express the confusion of the situation, the full gravity of this, just so you can try and show people what you’re feeling, maybe that way they can understand and help you. You are melodramatic and you know it, you end up hating yourself because of what you’ve become. You become so self pitying you miss birthdays, phone calls, opportunities to be there for people. You hate yourself more. It gets worse and worse and music becomes further and further away from you.  You become selfish. The only thing that matters to you now is you. You can’t even begin to comprehend paying attention to someone else until you have ‘figured this all out’. You start saying “If I can just get booked on to some kind of tour”, or “if I can just finally try and get my songs to sound the way they do in my head, then people will pay attention and I can finally start being there for other people because I will have had my needs met”.  This goes on for 10 years and you’re still alive and kicking and hell you even actually have some good days, friends call you out of the blue, your partner comes home from work with a smile (and a beer!?), you play a bit of a stonker at a gig or jam or open mic, you create the melody to end all melodies e.t.c, but peace comes and goes in the blink of an eye. You end up grasping for something to hold on to but it is not there… Anyway, that was then.

Now it’s many years later and I am older and I’ve done my time feeling like that. It’s time for something new. I get to choose how I want the next 10 years to go and I want it to have music in it, lots of music. Lots of rewarding, slow and deliberate practice that feeds me. Lots of rehearsals and jams with other musicians. Lots of writing sessions trying to nail down exactly the right word and chord and melody and recording technique, because it is fun. To make things with and for other people, to try and serve other people as much as I can through the music and otherwise. To get better but also just enjoy where I am and what I am doing.