(Alex Mutucumarana)Mood Swings – I didn’t know which way to turn! How a song can change things

“Yes I’m fine, Is what I said. But looking down is my glass half full?”. This is the opening line to ‘Mood Swings’, track 6 on the recently released album entitled ‘Home Sweet Home’ by the band Lepage Dean. Ollie Lepage-Dean was the musician that scored the music and shaped the sound of the song, but the lyrics were penned by me. It is a song about my battle with depression, something that I have finally come to terms with properly and that I have really only recently admitted I have been suffering with my entire life.

I remember where I was writing this song. I was sat in a single bed starting to figure out what was going on with my life. Music was at the heart of what made me feel better. It felt great! “Turn it up, just turn it up. It makes me groove and I don’t feel so blue”. This was a line from the first verse from ‘Mood Swings’.

I collaborated with Ollie in what ‘Mood Swings’ should sound like. We agreed that the song should have two different sounds to it, showing the feeling of swinging from this joy to the depths of it being absent. We could not agree on what it should sound like, but Ollie stuck to his guns and defended his vision for the song and I am grateful he did. It become one of my favourite Lepage Dean tracks.

I have only recently come into music and performing. I had some singing lessons about three years ago and this gradually turned into performing. I finally got my own night last June, with a full band. I loved it! I was out of my comfort zone and was trying something new. That night I was front and centre; it was amazing! I was in a really good place and enjoyed every minute. It was easy! I was not always in tune but I did not care and everyone was enjoying themselves. We were all in sync and despite not rehearsing that much, we put on quite a show.

Roll on six months and with a similar set of musicians and a similar set list, the night could not have gone any different. I had come off anti-depressants and thought I was surviving. In reality that’s all I was doing. This performance made me realise that I had slipped into denying how I felt and that I was starting to put pressure on myself again. I was not good enough. ‘I need to learn my lyrics better, I need to dance more, I need to take control more and get us rehearsing; we can’t keep jamming nights out and flying off the seat of our pants’. I had gone from loving what I was doing to dreading it. We went through the set list and although people were up and dancing towards the end, I felt like people were looking at me differently, like the night went on forever and was never going to end. We played the last song and had to be reminded to thank the band and everyone there for being such a great audience. I just didn’t want to speak. I wanted it to be over. I must have looked like I was about to burst into tears. I turned to Ollie Lepage-Dean who was on keys and lost in the music, blurted out “Mate, that was awesome. It sounded sick! You sounded great!”.

It did not matter how it sounded to me. I was sinking and fast. This performance made me realise that I needed more balance. That I needed to be more kind to myself and that if I was to continue to sing and performing that I had to take a break and get myself right again.

One month after that performance and I had returned back onto anti-depressants, was being more mindful, had arranged counselling and had started routines that I am still in months later. It was not always rosy and there were very low moments, but the routines that were in place were helping me acknowledge shame, developing shame resilience and acknowledging that I had lots to be grateful for. I do not always get it right, but I am quicker to acknowledge it, quicker to identify why I hadn’t got it right, and kinder to myself when attempting to right my wrongs (“but it’s funny the same wrongs help me write this song”). I’m still learning, but that’s life isn’t it? If we stop learning, then we stop living. Mood Swings; I didn’t know which way to turn. I think I finally have a better idea though.

Acknowledgements

Album: ‘Home Sweet Home’ by Lepage Dean (lepagedeanmusic.co.uk , @lepagedeanmusic , 2020).

Song: ‘Mood Swings’. Music by Ollie Lepage-Dean; lyrics by Alex Mutucumarana