(Yvonne Williamson) You never see yourself as others see you

At the age of 65, and retired for some years now, I have the luxury of looking back on a career where self-doubt and self-criticism not too infrequently assailed me. As an amateur viola player in orchestras and ensembles, there were times when my technique would let me down, and I often did not have the time to practice enough before the deadline of a performance. There’s a consolation to being in a string section of many players…one learns to lift the bow form the string at an impossible moment…but if you are just one to a part, that is an unaffordable luxury. Result…stress!

And then there was the day job…secondary school music teacher (with Latin on the side in later years). What a privilege, to be able to make music both in the classroom and in extra curricular activities. But had I got all the skills that I needed to be a GOOD teacher? How could I enthuse younger pupils who maybe had one or two lessons in a week? How to get set up for orchestra or jazz band in no minutes flat after school, or at lunchtime? Are the performances ready for public consumption when concert day arrives? Can I be good enough on djembe, gamelan, samba, and also guide exam groups through their coursework requirements? So much to do, so little time…..and then am I being fair to my family (three children and a husband who worked long hours)?

Feelings of inadequacy, often magnified at 3am when sleep evaded. I am happy to say I never considered giving up either the day job or the personal music making, for three reasons. Usually, after a bad day came a good one. There was always a "golden moment" to be had in each day, maybe related to an incident at school, an interaction however brief. The third was a book I read on child rearing when I was first pregnant which had the comforting philosophy that "there is no such thing as a perfect mum, but you can be a perfectly adequate one!"

All humans are fallible. The ability to recognise this and move on is a comfort, but it takes practice and self-belief. Crises of confidence as a performer, whether musician, actor, or other, are not unrelated to the Christian tenet of repentance and forgiveness of sins. Tomorrow is always a new beginning, and as we tell children, you have permission to make mistakes, that’s how you learn. (I’m not sure my 5 year old grandson quite gets this yet!). That’s all very well with an assured public sector income, but I can well appreciate how precarious, especially these days, is the life of a professional musician, and how this must magnify self-doubt. That’s why I think Throughthewoods is such a good platform. Sharing the leaves will help us see the wood in spite of the trees.